Saturday, August 6, 2011

On Big Brother Amplified, Karen and Dele Momodu-- By Chris Ihidero

(Singing rather loudly and dancing galala)

‘If you see my mama, hosanna, tell am say o, hosanna, I dey with
Karen, hosanna, I no get problem, hosanna!’

‘This is quiet ludicrous; you really should stop. At your age, this
foolery is very unbecoming.’

(Gazes at him, ‘side-eyes’ him, increases the volume and quickens the galala)


‘Much ado about nothing. I don’t see how someone winning Big Brother
Amplified has any worthy cause for such extravagant celebrations, I
mean; this is something that demands no intellectual investment
whatsoever. It’s quite amazing to see the likes of you getting fussy
over nothingness.’

‘Thank you! Ode oshi, be there and be speaking English while poverty
continues to embrace you like a long-lost friend. Karen has $200,000;
do you know how much that is in naira? N32, 000. 000. 00! More money
than you have ever seen in your wretched life; and she made it in 91
days. What good thing have you ever done in 91 days of your life, ehn?
Tell me na, otondo! And here you were a couple of weeks ago, saying
that Karen bought her boobs at ASDA.  (Dramatically rolls eyes, pushes
tongue out, slaps buttocks and roars with laughter in quick

‘I did not opine that she purchased her breasts at ASDA. I only
stated, matter-of-factly, that she acquired the said pair of breasts
from a source other than God’s holy moulding hands.’

(Clapping like a market woman) Whatever! Shio! What is important is
that Karen is now an important person in the world, fake boobs,
razzness, biabia or not! Where Karen can enter now, you can’t even go
near. She will soon have lunch with Mr. President and rub shoulders
with important people while you and your yeye intellectual pretentions
will park well for one corner.’

‘I see that this is an important victory for you and those who find
fulfilment in such idiocies like locking up 26 young adults in a house
for 91 days and rewarding them for doing absolutely nothing
meaningful. Do you realise what worthy contributions they could have
made to the polity in that time frame if properly engaged? I am
nonplussed by the sheer waste of human and material resources that
shows like Big Brother encourage. For crying out loud, there’s a war
in Libya, a famine in Somalia and an accidental president in Nigeria
and you dedicate 3 months of your life to BBA?! One is totally
flummoxed by this kind inanity!’

(Puts hands on head) ‘Ah, mo gbe! This boy has gone mad o! Is it on
top BBA matter you speak this kind of English? Is your life so sad? Do
you find no joy in living? I mean, must everything make intellectual
sense? You have issues with a show that has given a child with such an
unfortunate past like Karen a second chance?  Where else would someone
like Karen have found another opportunity to make something of her
life? Isn’t this what this reality shows do, give people a chance at
success? There will always be wars and famine somewhere in the world,
and we are stuck with our accidental president for at least four
years…does that mean we should turn our boxers to bandanas? Or bras to

‘Oh, blimey! So Big Brother is now an altruistic project that is set
up to save the world?  How convenient!  I have got news for you: for
anyone to giveaway $400, 000, he/she must have made millions of
dollars as profit. That is the way the world works, you simpleton!’

‘Can’t you see that see we just want to have fun sometimes and we
don’t need a lecture? Even a former presidential candidate can see

‘Please don’t go there, don’t even get me started on that one.’

‘Don’t go where? Don’t get you started on what?’

‘I think a ‘former presidential candidate’ should actually be someone
who contested the elections with the intention to win.

‘Ah, are you saying the former Bashorun was a clown? That he had no
plans of winning?  That he knew he would never win but contested all
the same?’

‘Are you seriously asking me that question? I’m glad you noticed that
the Bashorun garb seems to have been dropped; I guess it has served
its purpose. And truth be told, that was a well-written article…but
aren’t politicians supposed to be busy doing something…like building a
firm base in preparation for the next elections, you know,
strategising? ‘

‘And who told you he’s not doing all of that? Bashorun Momodu is
beyond those professional politicians whose main purpose in life is to
practice politics at all cost, until it begins to yield dividends.
He’s a respected journalist and he has gone back to his true calling.’

‘He should please stay with his true calling, whatever that is. To be
a presidential candidate one day, however pretentious, and blubber the
next day cannot be the stuff presidents are made of. Imagine the
sight: He sits in front of the television set watching Karen’s chat
room session, his hands on his head and a torrent of tears gushing out
of his eyes, in concurrent flow with Karen’s blubbing…no, not
presidential at all! I will take accidental Jonah any day.’

‘I am done with you. Surely you are beyond redemption. I pray God has
mercy on your soul. To make fun of former Bashorun Momodu’s ability to
retain his humbling humanity in spite of his many successes in life is
sheer wickedness.’

‘God’s speed. I am equally tired of your convoluted reasoning, if one
can even call it that. Humility my black hairy ass!’

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